Introduction to Ms paint

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When I grow up, I want to be an MP

When I was young, I hated to be asked by any of my teachers what I would become when I grew up. It was a very common question and mind you, when the time came for that question, everyone had to answer it. Reflecting back on that question, and why I didn't like to answer it, I think I didn't have an ambition at that time.

When answers were being given, I would envy most of them, yes who would hate to be a lawyer, doctor, nurse, pilot, engineer and others? These varied answers came from even the dumb pupils who used to sit at the back. Our teachers were very discriminatory at that time, I don't know whether things have changed. We used to have a 'wise-foolish' siting arrangement. At the very front very close to the teacher, these seats were occupied by number 1,2, and 3. We used to share a desk, three of us, in a class with three rows. The rest of the numbers followed till the last one.

“When you grow up, what do you want to become?”

Those who said farmers were laughed at loudly and they would also be scolded by the teacher. Funny enough, very few would respond by saying they wanted to be teachers. But I know why, we used to hate our teachers, most of them, God forgive us. Was it a general hatred? Yes! Why did we hate them? The reason is simple, they used to beat the hell out of us.

When I recall the beatings we received, I shudder and wonder if we deserved it. On the other hand, I have to admit we used to be bad. Like this time I was in lower primary. Our teacher was not in, so we were asked to go to the other class. The lower primary classes used to be taught by one teacher. So it happened that when we were combined, we were so much congested and were just making noise instead of listening to the teacher. Where I sat, I found a piece of chalk and started playing with it. Wait till I was seen, looking like a young ghost with chalk all over myself. This teacher was the most feared for canning. So you can imagine the beating I was given. I spent the rest of the day crying and wishing we would go back to our class.

Now, sorry for that, back to where we were. For you what did you want to become? For me at that time, I did not know what to become. Now I know. I want to become a politician in the post independent Kenya. That is it, I have said it without feeling shy, or without batting an eyelid. What has made me choose such a career? You may be asking yourself. Sit tight and continue reading.

One thing I like about this career is that I don't have to read a lot of books, this will depend on the highest point I want to achieve. There are several qualities I must poses in order to make it to August house:-

1. Lying mouth – this will come in hardy especially during the campaigns. It will help lie through the nose to the constituents on how I will improve their lives upon being elected as their MP.
2. Be able to play dirty games – this I need because if I find myself not winning, I can cause chaos, buy votes and voters whichever is easier, in order to make sure I win.
3. I need lots of money – money is needed everywhere by everyone. But my believe is that there are those that don't deserve to have money. These are the types that have started calling themselves mwenyenchi instead of what they are, mwananchi. I needs lots of money so that I can achieve the activities I have mentioned.

So, I have started looking for gullible people (constituents) where I can build my base and start my campaigns. My campaign strategy is very simple, there somethings I will need like a loud mouth, buying the lost youth lots of bootleg liquor, and for the women a kilo or two of sugar. At this time of hard economic times, they will be grateful and they will sing any song I start. The lucky ones will get lessos and some buggy t shirts that can't even be sold as second hand clothes at Gikomba market. Those in groups, I will give them some cash to share amongst themselves. This will make me a mheshimiwa even before the elections are conducted.

I will also attach myself to one of the powerful, seasoned politician vying for the top seat in the country. I will promise to defend and not to abandon him come what may. I will swear with the bible to show believers that I am serious with what I say. If need be, I will even swear with the forefathers just to make people see I mean what I say. I will allow myself to be used by him or her for that matter, in the hope that once we get him the most coveted seat in Kenya, he will reward me.

What I will do once in parliament

1. My first goal or achievement after being sworn in will be to forget my constituents. I will buy a villa in one of the posh estates in Kenya.
2. Start making money – I have to start returning in tenfolds what I had used in the hustings. A motion concerning MP's salary increase will be a big boost to my monthly income. Don't fool yourself, this money will not be enough. I will have to import goods illegally, become a cowboy contractor for supplying air.
3. I will perfect my art of deception. At this point it is important for me to perfect the art of deception. This is because there are some Kenyans who tend to behave like they are so caring for the country. They might start throwing stones towards me. I want a situation where if I am given a contract of repairing a road, I will do it on paper, but not on the ground. If they start questioning me, I will just stand and defend myself, using excuses like 'there is increase in global warming and that is why the roads are in such a state, more so due to the heavy rains.'
4. No paying taxes – How can I pay taxes and the way I will be working so hard for you? I will make sure my fellow colleagues also don't pay taxes.
5. Distribution of wealth – I will make sure that I distribute wealth equally. You know the ratio of the poor to the rich men is supposed to be millions of hoi polloi and a few filthy rich. It is important to note that I will have to hide the poverty line. This will stop the struggling Kenyans from seeing it let alone crossing it.
6. Buying a chopper – this will be important so that I can be able to rush from one point o another without getting stuck in endless traffic jams.

I promise you, I will be a very good MP. Give me your votes if you want progress, democracy, freedom of expression, and corrupt free country. For I will not tolerate corruption. Remember, if you don't give me votes I can dispatch you to hell or if you are luck, to the nearest IDP camp, and you will take me no where.

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